I'm speechless

I'm speechless. I really don't know. I don't know me anymore. What actually do I want???? 

Okay I know. I wants to kill myself. I want this heavy feeling being lift off my heart. I want something to help me forget about everything.This pain is eating me inside out. I'm desperately unhappy.

Sob case

I'm on night again tonight....Woke up around 6pm, checked my phone. No messages and no missed call. Disappointed??? Nah... I knew he never keep his promise. I wanted to go back to sleep but I can't. I suddenly felt super lonely. I wanted to call someone t talk too but then I suddenly realize, Who should I call?

Misfortune

Fucked up journey. Lost RM130 for nothing.

Mood disorder

I have this mood disorder that I diagnosed myself because I don't really dare to go see a psychiatrist. I remember myself having this significant mood changes while I'm still in college. My friends used to alienate me when I'm having this mood changes. I have it very very frequent ok. Like more than twice in 24hour. Now it significantly reduce but I still experiences it at least once a day. Like just now, Mun and Hani when down to take bath and they left the door open. I was freak out. Mun got back to get something and I said

'Mun kenapa korang tak suka tutup pintu kalau keluar ???'

Harsh huh???? I get pissed off really easily. I get pissed off if I got woke up in the middle of the night because they're having pillow talk, lights on just because they are talking and it's obvious that I'm sleeping. Light and noise is one of the major issue I always get pissed off. 

Since my last break up, I'm having real bad insomnia. I can hardly get myself to sleep unless I'm freaking tired. I must must must read or watch something from my phone or laptop just to make my eyes tired then only proceed to sleep. So, in other simple words, It's hard for me to sleep okay. Like now I'm on night shift I only get like 4 hour of sleep then wake up and can't get back to sleep. It's frustrating okay when you know you're tired but can't get enough sleep because you can't get into sleep. Like tongue twister huh???? Hani always pissed me off when she turn on the TV but she's not watching it and I'm sleeping. Okay I can tolerate it because I know how lonely it feels when you're up alone and having to go work. But can you at least turn off the TV when you're going to work , I obviously still sleeping and I don't watch TV when I'm asleep. I don't understand why they can't have some sympathy to others. I never never never turn on the TV when other are still asleep. Even when I'm watching movie on my laptop, I always make sure I'm using a earphone.  

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Yesterday night shift was marvelous. I was in charged of Cubicle 5 where I have to take care of the isolation room and most of my patient were infectious case like PTB. I only got 1 empty bed so I only received 1 admission. Simply case AEBA 2' URTI. Young lady came in accompanied by ? tunang. The pt is only 19yo. Can she be engaged???? God's know. The guy leaves in with a depressed face once the parents arrived. The pt's father make me miss my father alot. It was quite emotional yesterday. The patient was super scare of needle and she get breathless when she knows we are taking blood or just anything in contact with needle. Her father hug her and console her in a way that I only seen mom did. Her mom only stand aside as if she got nothing to do with it. It really surprises me.I have never seen such affectionate dad. I really miss my dad alot....

Hate Myself

It been really long since I last open this blog. The last time i open it was to delete all my post here. I wanted to let go, wanted to forget, wanted a new life. But yet after almost a year, I'm still the same. Walking in the same path back and forth, back and forth. I impressed with myself. I can't believed I can stick to loving someone silently for such a long time even when I'm knowing He is seeing someone else, loving someone else, having another someone in his arms.

I'm Stupid, I know. But I can't help it. There were so many times, I wanted to kill myself for being such a stupid girl but who get the more disadvantage for being so stupid??? Me again. Will he come back to be at my side if anything really happen???? I seriously doubt it. My friends were totally fed-up with me and him. They never really says but I can see it in their face. I understand, I taking too long for this HEALING process. I wish I have this medicine that will help me be emotion-less or forgetful.

He seriously make me feel like I'm super unwanted by any men in this world. Or it was me who doesn't want any other men???? I'm super confused ok. I knew I want him but yet he seems so far away. He is in love now. I can hear it from his tone, the way he tells me, the way he's worried, the way he give her pet name. OMG, I felt like there were 10 000 sharp knife poking through my damn heart. I pity myself. I can't believe he is already in love with other women when I'm still pacing back and forth with my stupid useless emotion. I pity myself for having to hear him loving someone else. I wanted to put down the damn phone when he tell me all the details, but I can't help it because I wanted to cheer him up, I wanted to hear him laugh. I wanted to know he is okay before i put down the phone. His tears really break my heart. But he telling me his date with his girlfriend didn't help much either. He seriously sound damn happy with his date. I know I'm no longer anyone to him. I really know.

OMG I seriously don't know what to do with myself. I'm about be die for being so confused. I seriously pity myself for being so stupid. I wanted to cry but I can't. I wanted to die but I can't. I wanted to forget but I can't. I wanted to be alone but I can't. I don't know when I'm going to breakdown. But I'm sure until then I must survive. I MUST SURVIVE