Hate Myself

It been really long since I last open this blog. The last time i open it was to delete all my post here. I wanted to let go, wanted to forget, wanted a new life. But yet after almost a year, I'm still the same. Walking in the same path back and forth, back and forth. I impressed with myself. I can't believed I can stick to loving someone silently for such a long time even when I'm knowing He is seeing someone else, loving someone else, having another someone in his arms.

I'm Stupid, I know. But I can't help it. There were so many times, I wanted to kill myself for being such a stupid girl but who get the more disadvantage for being so stupid??? Me again. Will he come back to be at my side if anything really happen???? I seriously doubt it. My friends were totally fed-up with me and him. They never really says but I can see it in their face. I understand, I taking too long for this HEALING process. I wish I have this medicine that will help me be emotion-less or forgetful.

He seriously make me feel like I'm super unwanted by any men in this world. Or it was me who doesn't want any other men???? I'm super confused ok. I knew I want him but yet he seems so far away. He is in love now. I can hear it from his tone, the way he tells me, the way he's worried, the way he give her pet name. OMG, I felt like there were 10 000 sharp knife poking through my damn heart. I pity myself. I can't believe he is already in love with other women when I'm still pacing back and forth with my stupid useless emotion. I pity myself for having to hear him loving someone else. I wanted to put down the damn phone when he tell me all the details, but I can't help it because I wanted to cheer him up, I wanted to hear him laugh. I wanted to know he is okay before i put down the phone. His tears really break my heart. But he telling me his date with his girlfriend didn't help much either. He seriously sound damn happy with his date. I know I'm no longer anyone to him. I really know.

OMG I seriously don't know what to do with myself. I'm about be die for being so confused. I seriously pity myself for being so stupid. I wanted to cry but I can't. I wanted to die but I can't. I wanted to forget but I can't. I wanted to be alone but I can't. I don't know when I'm going to breakdown. But I'm sure until then I must survive. I MUST SURVIVE