H.I.M

I had gone back to A again. I found out he was engage last year but I accepted it. I did have hard feeling but I ignored it. I brag about how I no longer miss him. I tought i was fine and ready to move on. Until last morning when I'm on night duty and was browsing around instagram. I tought i will pay by his sister's profile and bommm there it is his wedding pictures. He look so happy with his beautiful bride. I was stunned. Speechless.

Im totally malfunction, I almost cause medication error. I almost give IV lasix to patient with BP low. I almost endanger life of patient under my care. I was so disturbed that I had stare at my phone for like 30mins. My mind when blank.

I'm not sure how i really feel. Part of me that were happy for him. At least he is in good hand and i know he is happy now. Part of me was devastated. I know that we will not have any outcome since we break up. But there were part of me hoping that we will be back together again. But i guess miracle didnt happen to me.

Today when i woke up around 11am, i stare blankly at the ceiling. Feeling im such a pethatic lousy girl. I almost feel like killing myself. I cant stay home as im alone. I went out, planning to go sogo to buy some goods. I dont know why i take the monorail when im suppose to take the lrt. I only realised that im on the wrong train after like 6 station. I seriously dont know what is happening in my mind.

Back from sogo. I cooked and feed myself or should i say i stuff myself with food.

 This was brunch.

This was dinner.

Now im in bed. Unable to sleep. I cried twice today. I felt sick. Im so messy. My brain is so disorientated. Im so disorientated. I wanted to go out and scream. I wanted to cry out loud but i cant. Now when i cry there are just few drop of tears. I felt so heavy in my chest. I dont know how long more i will have this kind of feeling. I wanted to wash my brain and take a rest from him.

I want to forget him. I feel so lousy of myself. Its been so long since we break up and why should i still have feeling for him. Im so abnormal.

I cant go on. Im sorry