H.I.M

I had gone back to A again. I found out he was engage last year but I accepted it. I did have hard feeling but I ignored it. I brag about how I no longer miss him. I tought i was fine and ready to move on. Until last morning when I'm on night duty and was browsing around instagram. I tought i will pay by his sister's profile and bommm there it is his wedding pictures. He look so happy with his beautiful bride. I was stunned. Speechless.

Im totally malfunction, I almost cause medication error. I almost give IV lasix to patient with BP low. I almost endanger life of patient under my care. I was so disturbed that I had stare at my phone for like 30mins. My mind when blank.

I'm not sure how i really feel. Part of me that were happy for him. At least he is in good hand and i know he is happy now. Part of me was devastated. I know that we will not have any outcome since we break up. But there were part of me hoping that we will be back together again. But i guess miracle didnt happen to me.

Today when i woke up around 11am, i stare blankly at the ceiling. Feeling im such a pethatic lousy girl. I almost feel like killing myself. I cant stay home as im alone. I went out, planning to go sogo to buy some goods. I dont know why i take the monorail when im suppose to take the lrt. I only realised that im on the wrong train after like 6 station. I seriously dont know what is happening in my mind.

Back from sogo. I cooked and feed myself or should i say i stuff myself with food.

 This was brunch.

This was dinner.

Now im in bed. Unable to sleep. I cried twice today. I felt sick. Im so messy. My brain is so disorientated. Im so disorientated. I wanted to go out and scream. I wanted to cry out loud but i cant. Now when i cry there are just few drop of tears. I felt so heavy in my chest. I dont know how long more i will have this kind of feeling. I wanted to wash my brain and take a rest from him.

I want to forget him. I feel so lousy of myself. Its been so long since we break up and why should i still have feeling for him. Im so abnormal.

I cant go on. Im sorry

Random

Finish night shift this morning. It was super tiring. Admission wasn't much but the patients is breaking our nerves. There is this one old lady, lets name her Lady C. She is a Chinese lady about the age of 60 to 70. She had been in and out the hospital often. She has a weak heart which put her on fluid restriction but she is not compliance on fluid restriction eventually becoming overload. She is super duper annoying. No one can ignore her presence. We always put patient prone to fall or old age in bed with side rail. This will prevent them from falling off the bed while they turn. This particular Lady shouts her lung out asking us to place the side rail down. It's not that we can't place the side rail down but we were afraid that she might fall. She is one of those patients with butt-head. She wanted us to place the rail down so that she can go to toilet on her own. That is dangerous as Lady C have weak limbs due to old age and heavy body weight. So we always put patients like this on pampers and urinary catheter to reduce the needs of them going to toilet and eventually prevents fall. When we stop Lady C from going to the toilet by having the side rail up, she when into fits, shouted at everyone all night. Everyone in Cubicle 5 can't sleep the whole night. I feel like slapping her many times but fortunately I get hold of myself and just leave her. Nowadays I react to annoying patients differently. I tend to just look at them and stare blankly. This makes them even more annoying than I'm.

I promised one of my senior that I shall stop scolding patients when she leave the ward for good. I am known for my bad temper. I throw fits a lot at home and during college. I promise myself I shall be a better person and shall change. Currently on the road to succeeding controlling my temper.

Warm up

I had decided to quit blogging long time ago but today my heart flutter and my hand when to the keyboard and started to dance on it. It's been super long since I last logged in to my blog and I hate my previous decision of deleting all those old post when my Ex asked me to. I super regret it okay.

This blog has been my personal space for me to express myself in words that i can never open up to anyone else. I had been super cheerful and outgoing but deep inside there are parts that i eager to express bu unable to. I had never open up completely to anyone in this whole wide world. Not even to family.

It's hard okay. I seriously don't know how to open up since I sealed up this fragile heart years ago. I first realized I sealed up my heart when my dad passed away. Although I had never been close to my dad but I somehow started to keep my feeling to myself. I never tell anyone how I eagerly wish that I spend more time knowing my dad when he's alive. I know so little about him. I only know that he loves fish and we always have this 'ikan terubok' cooked in my late-paternal-grandma ways. It no longer taste the same since my dad passed away in December 2013. I'm only 13yo back then. I remember mom cried for months. It breaks her heart because her loved-one died. We never took photo with my dad since forever. I remember having my dad bought me a camera all the way from Hong Kong, but I never used it with my dad. Dumb-ass right?

When I enter secondary school, I rebel like crazy. Now i felt sorry for mom. She really do endure a lot. I started having puppy love when I'm 14. 'Gatal' right???? Shall I skipped secondary school stories? Remember this heart is still sealed up. I finish school with shitty result-enrolled myself in college with government scholarship, again complete college with shitty-result.Yeah I broke up with my ex and again my heart got sealed up again and this time I think it got sealed up pretty tight. I got so super passive after that relationship. I'm even afraid of becoming a lesbian. But I'm straight.

I always blog when my mind started running around aimlessly, my heart flutter and when I need someone to talk to. Since it's hard for me to talk, I'll just write in words. Writing keeps my heart beat calm, keep my mind straight and I felt more on the ground when I write and think of what next to write.

I shall vow to myself that I shall blog more and if possible everyday even with a short entry.

Hugs and kisses..
Love Cherine.

 Aisyah came all the way from HTAR, Klang to visit us at HKL

She's getting married end of March. We will be attending. So yes we are travelling to Langkawi soon.

Can't wait.